“America in total chaos!” screams the cover story. Sorry I must have missed the madness and chaos – it looks quiet on my doorstep as always.
“Joe Biden’s Inflation Disaster Exposed!”
Ah, this is apparently the mess. Just the kind of in-depth economic analysis that Enquirer readers love.
“Biden mistakes are blamed for empty grocery shelves, gas crisis and cash chaos.”
Of course he is responsible for it. Just as President Trump was responsible for empty shelves, closed shops and empty restaurants in early 2020. Or could Covid-19 have something to do with both situations?
“Demi’s Big Fat Problem!”
Demi Lovato has reportedly gained weight. Apparently enough weight to cause the ‘Enquirer’ to straighten up and notice. She reportedly weighs 181 pounds, and The Enquirer would know because they have a spy cam in their bathroom scale, so there’s no way they can be wrong. Just another sign of the chaos sweeping America.
“Fear that skinny Celine is hanging by a thread!”
Maybe Demi and Celine Dion should share their meals, then they’d both be healthier. The perpetually skinny singer is apparently still skinny, but that worries The Enquirer editors, who know America would be less chaotic if everyone were the same healthy weight.
“My goodness, Geena! The lady is disappearing.”
The Enquirer really digs deep into personal attacks on celebrity weight this week. A recent photo of Geena Davis reportedly makes her look “shockingly skeletal.” The weight-obsessed rag also told us this week that “chunky” comedian Amy Schumer allegedly had “liposuction.”
“Harry & Meghan’s Cruel Cop Out!”
Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan have reportedly “sunk into ‘disgusting’ emotional blackmail” by refusing to bring their two children to England unless the Queen pays her personal security team. At least they’re not too thick or too thin.
“Prince Andrew has cast a spell on the perverted Ghislaine!”
Ghislaine Maxwell’s former college classmate Euan Rellie says, “I felt like Prince Andrew and Ghislaine had probably been a girlfriend and boyfriend in the past.” Apparently feeling like something probably happened is now accepted as a fact .
“Brad’s cabins are the Pitts!”
Brad Pitt’s Make It Right Foundation has been criticized for building substandard homes for victims of 2005’s Hurricane Katrina. No good deed goes unpunished.
“Shock Therapy Nightmare for Monaco Prince’s Troublesome Wife.”
Shouldn’t that be called “Troubled Wife”? But of course, The Enquirer doesn’t actually say that Princess Charlene has had or even will have electroshock treatment. There are only unnamed “sources” who allegedly “fear her playboy husband Albert will approve mind-crushing therapy to protect royal secrets!” Right.
His sexual process hasn’t even started yet, but the ‘Globe’ already has the verdict with its cover story stating: “Prince Andrew guilty!”
Yes, he’s categorically guilty, the magazine says – he’s “guilty of breaking his mother’s heart,” according to an unidentified “senior aide.”
It’s amazing how the Globe keeps finding “high-ranking palace sources” and “high-ranking courtiers” who speak perfect tabloid German.
Andrew is on trial for sexual assault in a civil lawsuit filed by Virginia Giuffre, the confessed former sex slave of billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, but the ‘Globe’ source says the Queen’s “decision to remove him from royal circles to expel, the most devastating judgment is all”.
“Guilty Andrew suffers a nervous breakdown! Screaming rage and bitter tears after clashing with the Queen over disaster in rape trial.” Is that really different from his usual behavior? High-ranking courtiers want to know.
Of course, “Andrew’s problem is pushing the monarchy to the brink of disaster,” according to Senior Palace sources. For sure.
“Lovelorn Tom Has a Crush on Angelina!”
He may be a Scientologist, but Tom Cruise isn’t really that stupid, is he?
“High-handed Harry demands protection from British police! Humiliates royalty by suing the government to get his way.” Sounds right.
“Lean Remini: Scientology kept me stupid.”
Doesn’t that mean she admits being stupid from the start and only blames the cult for keeping her that way?
“Nicole & Keith didn’t finish high school!”
Talk about stupid. This is what stopped Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban from succeeding in life.
“Ben Affleck is hopelessly screwed! Afraid he’ll lose bossy J.Lo.”
The ‘Globe’ seems to think that in any romantic relationship where a man does his best to make his partner happy, he suffers from her tongue lashing.
“What’s really wrong with Celine Dion?
Just last April, The Globe claimed Dion was down to 95 pounds, so she appears to have gained five pounds since then. Some magazines are never happy.
Courtney Cox dominates the cover under the caption: “Life, Love and What I Learned.”
I think People magazine must be saving a fortune by reusing that headline every two weeks and just changing the celebrity’s name every time. “I’ve always stayed true to myself,” explains Cox.
Eva Mendes & Ryan Gosling: Under Pressure explains the cover.
Well, if you weren’t under pressure before, once you read this article about “the BIG decision that could DESTROY you,” you will be. They have sold their home in Los Angeles and are reportedly looking for a more rural and private location. An unnamed “insider” says: “Everyone hopes that a change of scenery will do them a lot of good.” Yes, running away always solves every problem.
“Priyanka & Nick – Why They Kept The Baby A Secret.”
Could it be because the surrogate birth of a child for Chopra and Jonas is nobody’s business but theirs?
Luckily, we have Us Weekly’s world-class investigative team to tell us that Eiza Gonzalez wore it best, that David Arquette owns the rights to Bozo the Clown, and that the stars are just like us: they buy groceries, Flowers and snacks, exercise, play sudoku and light the grill. And of course they have to dress up and put on makeup when they go to the supermarket because you never know when paparazzi will be lurking.
Elsewhere in the tabloids. . .
‘OK!’ The magazine continues the obsession with celebrity avoirdupois with its cover story: “Princess Kate Strikes Back Against Weight Shamers – Don’t Call Me Skinny!”
What does “OK!” mean? like to do? Kate is reported to be “shrinking to 95 pounds!” Good listening skills.
‘InTouch’ sticks to the royalties for its cover story: “The Queen is reuniting William & Harry! Meghan & Harry are flying to London for the platinum anniversary.”
Really? That would be news to the rest of Fleet Street’s royal press. And even if Harry and Meghan were to return to the UK for the anniversary – currently up for debate as Harry is demanding an armed protection detail to which he is no longer entitled since he was stripped of his royal duties – that still wouldn’t guarantee he would would do Wilhelm the day time.
forward and downward. . .