In order. This is my chance. Something I’ve been waiting for literally 17 years since I first saw the last episode of Friends is on the table. The literal queen of all queens, Jennifer Aniston, is looking for a REGULAR GUY! You heard right people! Just a normal guy! REGULAR! A guy like us – like me, who writes this and you read this. Regular as hell! I’m going to toss my hat in the ring now and pray that a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend somehow forward this message to them.
So Jen … I’m not going to gloss it over – you have a long and intimidating dating history. You were married to Brad Pitt, who I heard was fucking cool and hot. You were married to Justin Theroux who is also very hot and a funny, funny, funny, funny person. You went out in Mayer with a guitar prodigy. You even dated Duritz, who, if we’re honest, isn’t the hottest, so maybe this is the W here for me, even though he makes some sweet jams. My point is, all of these guys are great, savvy, rich guys and you know what they’re saying right? More money, more problems. All of these guys may be mean and unwilling to treat you like the queen you are as a result.
Not that guy … not that guy at all. I can attest that I’m not rich, but what I do have is a great personality (at least I like to think so) and my own line of Hawaiian shirts. That’s pretty much it. Although I would like to think that these can be 2 integral parts of this advertisement.
I also love food and would love to smoke a brisket for you on our first date. Nothing says romance like a 14-hour smoked brisket along with some side dishes and drinks. Just saying. If you find Jen and you are interested by God’s grace, please contact me on either Twitter @Glenny_Balls or Instagram @Glennyballs. Thanks very much!